What My Cheating Fiancé Taught Me About Feminism
Posted on 12 May 2016
When I caught my fiancé of three and a half years cheating via a hotel email confirmation it was a shock. But not only that, it was with a girl I had known for the same amount of time, a mutual friend of ours. I had realised he was distancing himself from me for a few weeks, but I never actually thought anything was going on behind my back as I am simply just so busy running Neon Moon and trusted him to be honest at all times. But they equally lied and never felt the need to tell me about their affair. But gut instinct has always worked its magic for me, and it has never been wrong.
But what was more interesting was how my personal beliefs changed how I would usually react. So below are just a handful of points that have came to light since my recent venture into single life:
1. Don't slut shame.
It would have been very easy for me to slut shame her, and also share an indecent photo a friend of my ex-fiance's had sent me of her. But no. That shit is not cool. Nor is it very feminist. Revenge porn and slut shaming is never right, even when you're super angry and dealing with the loss of a relationship. I'll just go ahead and presume if my exes friend is sending photos out, then I wasn't the only one to receive it.
2. It's not your fault.
No reason is good enough to eradicate the amount of lies, deceit and disloyalty that has happened, and that does not mean it was my fault. Me being busy and being caring in my own way does not mean that I deserve the affair happening to me. And I definitely take zero responsibility in them actively booking a hotel room nights before going, and not even telling me when I saw him face to face a few days afterwards. Don't take the blame because it's not you, it's all them.
3. You owe nobody nothing. You owe yourself self love.
A lot of mutual friends and family have been hurt in the process of our break-up, but that does not mean I owe anyone my shoulder. I owe myself to prioritise myself first. My sanity, happiness and positivity deserve my full attention, and if anyone expects me to not be happy because this has happened then they just weren't ever a good friend or family member. Always put yourself first, because no-one else will if you don't.
4. Karma works its magic so you don't have to.
It will happen. This allows me to sleep soundly with the fact that I can literally do everything to move on with my life, and the universe will get them back for me. Beyonce has also been an amazing positive force to all newly single people - "Middle fingers up, put them hands high/ “Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye/ Tell him, boy, bye, middle fingers up/ I ain’t thinking ‘bout you" - Sorry, Lemonade. And if he's willing to take the piss about you liking Beyonce then it's more of a reflection of how immature and entitled he is than who you actually are.
5. Life moves on, so wish them luck.
There is no malice here, and I think since it has already happened, fuelled by their continuous lies, there is just no way I would subject myself to going back to that. So I wish them and their new found relationship the best of luck.
Looking back at it all I see it's important to put your needs first. Take time out for yourself, so you always leave an amazing legacy behind you. If you can get through the tough times in life then you can definitely handle the good times. I've been so blessed to have such an amazing foundation of family, friends and new friends on the back of this. Also if you find yourself delving into misandry, try to take a step back and realise how much better you are to be stooping to their level. Three and half years were a practice run for someone better. And since my ex-fiance cheated on me with a mutual, it has been quite easy to find someone better. He was never the person for me, and it has taken an affair for me to finally see it.
Feminism has helped me in ways nobody could. It has made me realise how important female relationships are in my life, and it's given me a renewed perspective of female sexuality and independence. It has also allowed me to put out nothing but positivity during this break-up, which has been incredible. I have also been able to work every day since, proving that women can do it all. Being a feminist is more than what society perceives it to be, but it's a way of living to your authentic self and treating everyone equally. Above everything, you are good enough, and nobody can bring you down without your consent. We deserve happiness.
Hayat Rachi, CEO & Founder of Neon Moon
Have you ever dealt with a break-up that made you proud or embarrassed by your actions? Do you feel you were very feminist during it? Let us know below!